I first learned of Marc and Amy Vachon’s concept of equally-shared parenting (ESP) in 2008 when New York Times Life’s Work columnist Lisa Belkin profiled the couple in a 10-page Sunday Magazine feature. At the time, my two boys were four and six, and I felt like my husband and I had been doing a fairly good job at dividing our responsibilities as parents and professionals. He worked full-time, and I was earning a solid income as a freelance writer, college teacher and publicist. Due to the nature of my work, my schedule was much more flexible, and by default, I spent more time with the children.
I arranged all the childcare and dealt with almost everything related to school. I also did all the food shopping, meal planning and cooking. He did all the post-dinner clean-up, baths and the boys’ laundry (as well as his own). I never stopped to consciously think about the division of duties until I read Belkin’s piece on the Vachons. Here was a married couple who - astonishingly, in my view - purposely practiced the equal sharing of child raising, breadwinning, housework and personal time.
Their Goal: To create an equal partnership between parents and an individually balanced life for each.
Marc and Amy have recently published a book on the subject, Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents. The title alone is enough to invoke strong reactions. Can couples, spouses or partners truly achieve the kind of balance in life that allows them to fairly share all the burdens and all the joys - large and small - of raising children?
Pose this question to a few couples you know and you’re likely to get very passionate responses. The answer is obvious for some families, especially those in which one parent works outside the home for pay and the other works within the home for none. On the other hand, many dual-earning couples are finding ways to embrace ESP, usually through non-traditional work arrangements.
Take Kelley and Paul Bennett of Dacula, Georgia, for example. Kelley is a fitness coach who is able to work from 5 a.m. to noon each day while her husband is with the children. After lunch, they switch roles. He works all afternoon, and she has the kids. “Household duties are split up based on our individual skills and interests,” Kelley says. “Personal time seems to be the area that gets divided unequally but we try to put it on the schedule so no one gets left out!”
In their book, the Vachons offer several practical suggestions for turning this elusive concept into a rewarding reality. Obviously, job flexibility is key and not every company, boss or workplace embraces it. And yet ESP encourages you to consider finding balance by indentifying, creating or transforming your job into one that isn’t necessarily tied to an 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. schedule, five days a week. Can your shift start earlier or end later? Can you and your partner both work fewer days with prorated salary or benefits? Would two thirty-hour work weeks and less childcare net you the same as two forty-hour work weeks with more childcare? Is working from home an option to reduce your commute time? Would you benefit from being self-employed?
For Hilary and Max Buxton of Boston, self-employment is key to the couple’s success. Max has the flexibility that Hilary lacks in her job, but she carries the benefits for the family. “It’s all a matter of give and take, or at times, push and pull,” Hilary says. “The true key is communication. If one partner feels as if he/she has been doing more lifting and doesn’t express it to the other one rationally, then the balance is thrown off, and resentment begins to build. Not good. Resentment is the relationship-killer!”
Do you think equally-shared parenting can be achieved in a way that ensures each individual in the partnership has a balanced life? How do you share the child raising, breadwinning, housework and personal time?
